I fall in and out of love like some people change their underwear. Just to be eloquent and illustrative, all at once. Anyhow, when the guy I was dating stopped texting me regularly, at first I was distressed. Then I was bored. And then I was nonchalant. Because I have no shortage of male attention. After he hadn’t texted for an entire week, I decided it was obviously over. I felt a twinge of sadness for about a millisecond, and then got over it. Buuuut, then he texted me to tell me just how frantically busy he was and to check in. And because I’d become moderately invested in my relationship with him, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and let him back in. Because sometimes I’m a fool for love. But now it’s been 18 days and counting since he last texted. It’s most definitely over this time. And at first this was a completely unemotional revelation for me.
Funnily, it was actually Pharrell’s song “Lost Queen” that made me realize that it was time to disengage. I’d gotten to a point where I didn’t really care that I wasn’t hearing from him because I’m busy and easily distracted. But then if you’re in a long distance relationship and don’t have communication, what do you have? A dildo and a cold, lonely bed? Anyway, back to Pharrell’s genius. Listening to his album, I was struck by the lyrics
I’m never too busy to tell you that you’re pretty
Ain’t gotta ask me to
Surprise you in the city when your day is goin’ shitty
Ain’t gotta ask me to
And it struck me, about a dozen guys take time out of their day to tell me I’m pretty in a day. And my own boyfriend can’t be bothered? What the hell kind of shit is that? So clearly it is over. Someone who can’t be bothered to inquire about my day, to say good morning and good night, is not someone who fits into my life. I don’t require much in a relationship, but I do like to know I’m cared for. And so clearly that ship has sailed. I’m over it.
But then the past few days I’ve been ruminating a little and I’m kind of annoyed. What kind of guy just stops texting, not even giving me the chance to be nonchalant about the breakup in person? Seriously. But more than that, I’m someone who likes closure and finality. Who sneaks out the back door instead of facing a breakup head on? I’m annoyed. I’m also annoyed because I told him how much I did not desire to date anybody because being single suits me better. And yet he dragged me into a stupid relationship and then shoved me off the relationship precipice. Asshole.
Yesterday I went for Easter dinner at my good friend’s house. I don’t really do holidays, and had she not invited me, I wouldn’t even have remembered there was one. But it was a nice day, and the sun was shining and I got to lie in the sun while drinking wine all day as her daughter prepared the Easter meal for us. It was perfect. But a few glasses of wine in, I got cheeky.and decided to shoot a text to the ex (or is he an assumed ex since we never explicitly broke up – Babe, if you’re reading this for any reason, it’s over. You are a terrible boyfriend). Just a quick “Happy Easter”. Kind of hoping for some reply. Some acknowledgment of the douchebaggery of disappearing without notice. But also hoping to, if not elicit a response, make him feel like shit for being such a coward.
And, now that I feel better about that, I’d also like to get one other thing off my chest.
Fuck you. Fuck you for dragging me into a relationship with you because you wanted it and thought you could ‘reform’ me. Fuck you for suggesting that I needed to work out to ‘get the body I want’ (you quickly changed your words when I caught you on that and told you I don’t need to work for shit because I love the body I have). That was a red flag right there. This other guy I’ve been seeing for about a year tells me I’m sexy every time he sees me. He’s never once said I need to workout to shape my body. He texts me “good morning, beautiful” every morning. Because he’s not a douchewad obsessed with a facade. Fuck you for thinking your medical student shit was more important than paying attention to your girlfriend. Fuck you for introducing me to your mom and your daughters and your friends and dragging me into your life. Fuck you for bringing me to church with you and then telling me I was ignorant because I believe differently than you (rather than being thankful that I accompanied you in an attempt to better understand you and where you were coming from). Fuck you for hinging your desire to be with me upon the type of degree I would acquire. Just a big giant fuck you, all around.
I’m really not upset or angry or anything of the sort. I am just highlighting the reasons why I shouldn’t be with him for future reference.
Man, this dating stuff is not my forte.